Don’t try to turn your man

If there’s one thing women sometimes bear a clear responsibility for in relationships that don’t work, it’s when they enter the relationship with the idea of “transforming” the man in front of them. In what sense? In the sense that they have seen, or at least in some way sensed, right from the beginning that the man had some traits that they would not have accepted in the end, but they started and continued the relationship with the idea that they would be able to change them. In their idea they would have succeeded in transforming the man in front of them into their ideal man.

Let me tell you something, 99% of the time these change projects completely fail.

The reason is simple. Those are “private” projects, not known and shared by the man, who is unaware of them. It is already often difficult to change one’s personality traits even if one wishes to. Imagine how difficult it can be to change them, without even really wanting to.

But be careful, I am not referring here simply to more or less slight changes in habits. For example, if the man we’re talking about doesn’t like going around the shops in any way, for the love of his woman he can certainly agree to do so, when the opportunity or the need arises.

Nor am I talking about aspects of the personality, which, although not aligned with those of her ideal man, the woman could still feel able to accept, within a relationship in which there are the basic conditions, of course. Being “soft” in this sense, and therefore accepting some aspects of man that one thinks would be better if they were different, is often a sign of maturity.

I’m talking about deeper, more general personality trait changes that are difficult or impossible to pin down to simple single actions. And in particular I’m talking about those characteristics that you feel are absolutely important in the relationship.

An example of these traits, generally felt to be central to the relationship, is the capacity of the man “to pay attention” to his woman and her wants or needs. There are many women who complain about the lack of attention from their man within their relationship.

Lack of attention is a profound personality trait, which can be based on different psychic characteristics and manifest itself in different ways and areas.

Changing such an appearance can be a desperate undertaking, especially if the man who is supposed to change doesn’t recognize that he has to. He may not recognize it perhaps out of pride, or to avoid committing himself, or even he may not even be able to “see” his own shortcomings in this regard. It is as if he lacked not so much or not only the will to “do the right things”, but as if he lacked even the ability to notice when it would be nice and right to do them.

How can one think that such a man acquires such an ability, which presupposes a whole series of mental dispositions, the acquisition of which often requires time and perseverance?

And this is even more true when the “change project” is a private project, decided by the woman, probably at the beginning of the relationship. Because what often happens is that some women realize at the beginning of the relationship or even before it begins, that the man they are facing has some things that are “wrong”, such as a certain lack of attention.

But instead of listening to these sensations of theirs, they tend to ignore them or to appease them with possible change projects that only they know and decide.

All of this is in a certain sense governed by a universal psychic dynamic, in which the woman tends to project her own “animus” onto the man. That is, she tends to see in the man in front of her, not the real man, but her own unconscious ideal man. And I emphasize “unconscious.” Such an unconscious ideal man, if really projected onto the person in front of us, can have immense strength and charm.

Such strength and charm are by no means negative in themselves. Indeed they are part of the basis of the fascination that a woman can feel for a man. However, they can become so when they are not accompanied by the judgment capacity of the conscience which corrects the effects of the animus, with its own considerations and its own contribution, and tries to arrive at a sort of “objective perception”, of “real image”. Without it, the least acceptable traits of the man are often hidden or even mistaken for something good and beautiful.

Not listening to the more or less evident sensations we were talking about, or listening to them but belittling them or responding to them with private and unshared change projects, are two different things, but which lead to the same result: a man to change, who often does not want change.

Does this mean that a man can never change? Absolutely not. But the more vast, general and profound the change, in the sense of involving different basic aspects of the personality, the more difficult it is for it to take place, above all in the absence of commitment to it on the part of the man himself.

Profound change projects should therefore be shared and also known in advance. But it is difficult to accept, especially at the beginning of a relationship, to change profound traits of one’s personality. Would you do it?

So what to do when you begin to perceive that there is something important that is not right in the personality of the man in front of you? The wisest thing is to listen to this perception, without fearing it or wanting to suffocate it. Often what happens instead, is that this perception is, more or less consciously, suffocated, because it is feared that it could immediately end the wonderful story that is beginning. It is feared that the ideal man, at least in part the result of the projection of the animus, may turn out to be something else.

Those sensations, perhaps only barely perceived, must instead have the space they deserve, which can mean taking the little time needed to understand what they really want to tell us. If they are telling us that the man in front of us has some general and deep personality traits of him that are difficult to accept, then it is better to stop, not to go on.

It is better to accept that the one in front of you, and who you hoped was the knight with whom to travel part of your life, or even the whole life, is not the knight with whom to start the journey. Your knight will come another time.